It's time I came clean...

I broke up with a guy who called himself my boyfriend a couple weeks ago.

Coincidentally, he shares his name with The Guy, so we shall now refer to him as The Old Guy. Now, this name may be extrememly hilarious to those of you who knew anything about The Old Guy, but I assure you, the name has nothing to do with the fact that he is 15 years older than me. What can I say? I have an eye for older men. I tend to steer clear of younger guys, just as a general rule, so I guess, in the back of my twisted mind, the opposite of a younger guy is a much older one... but his name merely has to do with the status of the relationship between him and myself. Old.

Anyways, we had been semi-dating for three months. He turned out to be everything that I don't need right now.

Here's a little backstory:

I met him back in November of '05. Basically a week after I got pregnant. I was in a play at the time, he came to see it and we double dated with another girl in the cast afterwards. He came up the next day as well with a beautiful bouquet of flowers for me. Only thing was, I had another friend coming to see me that night. (The one from a few posts back that I won't be speaking to anytime soon...) So, The Old Guy traveled for work and I'm an 'Out of Sight, Out of Mind' kind of girl, so we just kinda fizzled out. I did feel it was really that big of a deal, but apparently it hurt him really badly. He deleted me from his inbox and I started dating the other guy.

Well, back in May, I was going through my old e-mails, looking for something specific when I found an e-mail he had sent back in '05. He's a nice guy, has a great sense of humor and I started to wonder why I hadn't talked to him in so long. So I sent him an e-mail:

Hi The Old Guy,

I came across an old e-mail from you today, one of the first, if I am not mistaken. It made me smile. Hope you are well. Would love to get together sometime. Maybe catch up a little bit. It would be nice to see you.

~Me~

We went out to lunch, it was fun, we had a few dates, a few dates turned into going out as regularly as possible and eventually he met The Baby. I was not ready for him to meet her, but she ran outside when I opened the door to come in after he dropped my car off (he took it to get the oil changed and put some kind of coating on the windshield and got new wipers - all of his own accord) and there he was. So I let her say, 'Hi.'

I believe that was the begining of the end. I told The Guy about The Old Guy. I had to tell him because I would want him to tell me if he was ever going to have some strange woman hanging around My Baby.

I tried to limit contact between The Old Guy and The Baby, but he really wanted to spend time with both of us, so we went to a movie together. It went well, but I realized that I might not be able to handle someone else trying to steer my child to being better behaved.

The Old Guy then started talking about how he was glad that we fizzled out before because he wasn't ready for anything serious back then and how glad he was that I had contacted him in May. He started saying how he was finally ready to settle down, get married, have kids. Oh dear, I know to most women, that's like a glorious and melodious songs spewing from a mans lips. To me, it was like fingernails on a chalkboard, like the screeching tires of a car coming to a sudden stop.

I felt that I was leading him on after that. I couldn't shake the feeling that this 'relationship' was all wrong. I mean, I couldn't stand the terms 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend', and we had been dating for three months. That's not a good sign.

So I broke it off. He took it well, so I thought. Then he started writing. Now, he had written before, but it's just unsettling to keep getting letters in the mail after you've already broken up with somebody. Especially when these letters are written on pretty green stationary with butterflies and flowers with matching envelopes.

Then came the long e-mails. He started therapy and he would write to me about how his therapy sessions were going:

Subject: Good therapy session

"You,

First,I'm not expecting these letters to change things.

Second,I'm not expecting you to reply to these letters. I'm not even expecting you to read these emails.

I enjoy communicating, and I'm writing these emails for me. If you want to read them, then that's fine. And I'm certain that these letters will cease soon anyway, so minimal worries on your part."

Ah, thank you for giving me permission to read my own e-mail...

I received this first e-mail the day I found out that my good friend/mygood friends grandmother had died. I have now blocked his e-mail address and will not be getting any more of his e-mails. As much as I wanted to, I did not tell him. He doesn't know that I'm not getting his e-mails, so if they are helping him, then thank God for that cause he needs all the help he can get.

At one point while we were dating, I got mad at The Guy and his family and, in the midst of a vent, said to The Old Guy, "Well maybe I just won't invite them to the birthday party then! *harumph*" He took me as being serious and from then on was expecting that he would be at the birthday party instead of The Guy and his family. I tried to let him down easy, I thought he took it well. I was wrong.

I got a letter in the mail a few days later. Essentially he wished that I would have called him during the birthday party (that I had already been stressing about) and while we were at the Aquarium the next day with The Guy. Just so that he would know that I was thinking of him.

AH - I'm tired of writing about him. So, in short, he turned out to be very needy and insecure and in need of constant validation for his actions.

All things that I don't have the time or the patience to deal with in a man when I am already dealing with them in toddler form.

*whew*

I feel better.

CROP Hunger Walk - Please Help

Hi Everyone -

My church does this every year. I will be walking this year. I'm still debating whether or not to bring Eva with. I've never been good about getting donations. This year, I'm trying to change that.

This is the generic letter that they suggest to e-mail to people. I don't like generic, but I'm including it anyways. If there is any way you can help I would greatly appreciate it.

*HUGS* and thanks for reading!

Hunger is an issue that is very important to me and I have decided to get involved! I am walking in the CROP Hunger Walk and I need your help. Our donations will support life-saving programs around the world. Join me and our family and friends as we work together to solve this world-wide challenge.

You can be the difference, and you can start by making a donation online. Click on the link below and you will be taken to my personal donation page where you can make a secure online credit card donation.

Thank you!

http://www.cropwalkonline.org/goto/formofjane

My new new glasses!!

I finally got my glasses replaced a month or so ago. I paid half price for the same frames because they were still under warranty and whatnot. I went to the Sears that is on my way home from work and they had to call the Sears I went to initially to confirm that it ahd been less than a year since I bought them.

Once they had that done, they just grabbed a new pair, popped the lenses out of the old pair and popped them into the new pair!!

Not only does this pair have both arms, but they haven't been fun over by a go cart either!!

SCORE!

On a side note, The Baby will be 2 in less than a month. What am I going to do with a 2 year old?! Yeah, yeah, I know, same thing I've been doing with the nearly 2 year old. It just seems like it's going to be drastically different and I don't know why. I don't have any drastic changes planned... Well, unless she remembers how to climb out of the crib again...

Somebody save me!!

I am OVER it!! I am SO over it!!

I am OVER the cutesy sweet things that he is doing just so he 'can see me smile'.

STOP it with the poems! Stop saying things just because you know they are sweet things to say and you think they will make me go, "Awwww, you are SO sweet!!"

NOW I am worried that HE is going to say something and I actually AM going to throw up in my mouth - just a little...

/rant

How does one forget something like this?

A couple weeks ago, I was all set to go out for my birthday with friends. My birthday was on a Wednesday, so I had made plans for Friday night and Saturday night of the following weekend. A weekend in which The Guy was supposed to take Eva, except that apparently, he FORGOT.

I called multiple times Friday night. I called his mother and said, 'If he's not here in the next half hour, I'm going to have to bring her over to you.' To which she replied, 'Well, we're not going to be here tonight...'

She tried to call him, she had his brother try to call because apparently, if he's going to pick up for anyone, it would be his brother. Alas, our attempts were to no avail. I finally left him a REALLY nasty message (yeah, I'm that crazy person). I took The Baby to the in-home daycare she goes to during the day and they watched her over night for $35. She did well, I was happy about that.

I called The Guy the next morning. His mom supposedly handed him the phone but he never said anything, I sat there for WAY too long waiting for him. I was crying when I told The New Guy what was going on with The Guy. The not saying anything on the phone was reminiscent of when he would not talk to me until I finally had to tell his parents myself that I was filing for child support. He didn't even meet her until she was 6 months old!! Hell, The New Guy met her by chance when she was 4 months old!

Anyways, I called his mom and told her what was going on. She said she would see what she could do when she got home. She called me a few hours later to tell me that she didn't know what was going to happen. Then, as soon as I hung up with the daycare asking her to watch Eva for a second night in a row, The Guy's mom calls and says I can bring Eva over if I want to.

me: "Is The Guy going to be there?"
mom: "Yes, he will be here."
me: "Is he going to talk to me?"
mom: ".... I really don't know ...."


Well, I guess since it seems his legs are broken and he couldn't drive to come pick up his daughter (sarcasm and not that I had the time to wait on him anyways) I was gracious enough to take her over there. I picked her up early the next day (after my swing dancing lessons) and took him out back and beat the shit out of him. Okay, okay, so he merely followed us out to the car and I slapped him really hard on the shoulder(I wanted to slap him in the face) and 'told' him to NEVER do that to me again.

It seems his excuse for forgetting was that he hadn't heard from me that morning, and he didn't get my voicemails until 7:30 that evening and then he was asleep when his mom gave him the phone the next morning. Also, his fingers are broken so there wasn't any possible way he could have called me back (again, sarcasm, he's perfectly healthy).


I told him I wanted him to pay the $55 for the swimming lessons Eva is taking, the $35 for the cost of her spending the night at the daycare and $20 for the gas I wasted going back and forth and back and forth. He pulled out a $100 bill. It was the only cash he had on him. I gave it back to him. Because I'm crazy. I didn't want to be carrying around a $100 bill; I didn't want to take all the cash he had and I wanted the whole $110 right then and he didn't have it.

I'm going to call him in the morning and remind him to bring me the $ that I asked for and it will also hopefully be a reminder that he needs to PICK UP HIS DAUGHTER.

alright, I'll admit it...

I really like this guy. I'm not sure how I feel about liking somebody like this. I keep catching myself thinking about saying something smarmy and sickeningly sweet more times than I'd care to mention.

You know what keeps me from saying them? Well, other than the fact that I'm not even sure I would mean them the way they would be interpreted, I'm afraid that as soon as I say somthing like that, something equally as opposite is also going to fall out my mouth. Like:

"Ugh, that was so sweet I think I just threw up a little in my mouth..."

How's that for a mood killer?

I just deleted a really good friend from my life.

He's been kind of an on and off Bipolar friend for the past three years. We had kind of a 'Buddy' thing going on the past few months.

I guess I started getting too close. He doesn't like that. He scared shitless that I will find out that he really is the horrible person he thinks he is.

He called me today and said that he thinks we shouldn't see each other anymore.

When we were dating, he broke up with me the day before Valentines day because of this same shit.

I'm happy for him. He wants to move on, move on. But leave me the FUCK out of it. (excuse my language)

I just sent him the following e-mail:

"Some things I want you to know:

You are like family to me.

You are the ONLY guy friend I feel comfortable around.

I know you don't like letting people get close and I totally understand you wanting to move on... finally. I just want you to know that I don't appreciate this crap. I'm not mad, I'm not upset, I am just tired. Tired of dealing with your back and forth attitude toward me.

I care about you. I want you to be happy and if this is what it takes for you to be happy then that's fine, but I don't want to deal with this ever again.

I thought we had an understanding. I thought things were good. I've been dating of sorts. I was finally ready to get out again. So I guess this is good for both of us, then. Letting go? Well, then let's do it completely. You don't have to be scared that I'll get too close anymore cause I won't ever be close to you again. Emotionally or physically.

Please don't take this as hostile. It's just matter of fact. We obviously don't need each other anymore. I enjoy your company. You are an intelligent guy and you have a great sense of humor and I love just talking to you. It's just not worth it anymore. I'm really glad you told me up front instead of letting us have another weird night like Saturday. Psh, and I thought it was my fault. I should have left right then.

Well, I'm done.

Delete my number from your phone, you won't need it anymore. I've already deleted yours. This is what we need - a clean break. No backtracking.

Okay, I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

Goodnight, [insert name here]... Goodbye."

I then proceeded to delete him from my address books on my e-mail, delete him from my facebook and myspace. I'm about ready to delete all correspondence so that I don't have to worry about being tempted.

We have mutual friends, I'm sure there is no way to completely cut him out of my life, but I am damn sure gunna try.

I hate him when he does this to me. I feel like he cares about me, but he really doesn't want to. So I'm done.

donedonedoneDONE.

and to top it all off, I just cried on the phone to one of our mutual friends for a half an hour.

tell me I'm not crazy.

This is the Third time I've cried because of him and I don't cry over boys. This was the last straw. [expletive deleted].