The DRUNK

Date and Time: Saturday, 11.22.08 - late
Scene: The minuscule dance floor of Sherlock's Baker St. Pub, Live band (The Max) on stage
Cast: The Momma (myself), The Girlfriend, Guy Friend #1, Guy Friend #2, Girlfriend #2, and DRUNK(Friend of a friend of The Girlfriend - not there with us)

Our happy little group was out on the dance floor, rockin' out, having a good time. DRUNK appears, I only notice him because he is standing on my foot and either doesn't notice or doesn't care enough to move. I can tell he is piss drunk and dismiss him from the back of my mind. He does not, however, dismiss me. He finally notices me and is immediately drawn to my bare shoulders. He begins a quite intense massage.

Okay. This is actually really nice. Something I've needed for a while. I'm enjoying it. Wait a minute! Is he biting my shoulders?!? We're in the middle of a bar, aren't we? This is not acceptable! No, no, no! Me moving your hands away from my chest is not an invitation for you to try groping my lower half! He is now whispering in my ear, "You're so Hot. I love you. I love you cause you're so hot."

Is there an appropriate response to that? I'm sure there is, but I can't think straight. He thinks I can't hear him, so he moves into my line of sight and tries sign language. Points to himself, creates the image of a heart with his hands and then points to me. ... ... ...

The Girlfriend looks over and sees my look of panic. She is concerned. Thumbs up or thumbs down?! I try to tell her without letting DRUNK in on what I am doing. She doesn't understand. I finally have to move him so that I can give her a big, fat thumb DOWN behind his back. She grabs my hand and pulls me into the crowd.

He follows.

The Girlfriend rushes off to get help.

Guy Friend #1 asks if I'm alright. I push between him and Girlfriend #2, put my arm around him in hopes that DRUNK will take the hint. I breathe a small sigh of relief, feeling safer in the crowd and tell him, "I am now." I bet you already know what happens now, don't you? Yeah, he tries to push through to get to me again. Guy Friend #2 steps in.

DRUNK pushes Guy Friend #2 and proceeds to fall backwards onto his drunk ass from the force of the recoil. I do not notice any of this. I am trying to pretend that this DRUNK doesn't exist. I don't even turn around until Guy Friend #2 comes back and says that he got rid of him. In my happiness, I throw my arms around him, giving him a big hug and say "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Moments later, The Girlfriend rushes in asking where he is. We all point in the same direction. DRUNK is still falling over himself at the corner of the dance floor. She gets behind him and uses both hands to point at him. Using large hand gestures so that there would be no doubt as to who she was indicating.

A Bouncer escorts him off the premises and he is arrested. Probably for public intoxication.

That was my impromptu night out. Good thing I had only had two drinks. I certainly didn't have any more.

_ _ _

I think it sounds worse than it was. It wasn't like he was this big, burly man beast. Just a tall, skinny kid who didn't know his limit. Had it come down to it, I probably could have beat him. It wouldn't have been too hard, considering his state of intoxication.

*sigh*

I'm going to start a new trend on the bar scene - potato sacks.